


Don't Fear

by Kunstpause



Series: All the things you shouldn't do [7]
Category: Final Fantasy XIV
Genre: Breathplay, Canon-Typical Violence, Choking, Enemies to Lovers, F/M, Female Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), Named Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV), References to Depression, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:27:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28700649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kunstpause/pseuds/Kunstpause
Summary: A night filled with difficult questions and surprising admissions is where Althea might get a glimpse behind the mask Zenos usually keeps perfectly in place.
Relationships: Zenos yae Galvus/Warrior of Light (Final Fantasy XIV)
Series: All the things you shouldn't do [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1982170
Comments: 10
Kudos: 33





	Don't Fear

**Author's Note:**

> Set immediately after Don't Break.

The sun had not yet risen, and the whole of Ala Mhigo was still bathed in moonlight, leaving the city and the palace covered by the quiet calm of the night. Through the open window, Althea heard nothing but the soothing noises of a city in deep slumber. She nearly scoffed at the vast difference to what the rest of the night and the day before had been inside the palace’s walls. 

“Sulking doesn’t suit you,” Zenos murmured as he shifted beside her. He ran his fingers along her side and over her hip, prodding and probing over the now once again unblemished skin, mapping the parts that had held the bruises he had given her earlier.

“I am not sulking,” Thea replied, “I am concentrating!” In her hands, the astrolabe still spun as she sent another small wave of restorative magic through her body.

“You completed your healing a while ago,” Zenos remarked before his hand slipped over her stomach. Despite the injuries being long gone, Thea nearly flinched as if her body still remembered the pain.

“I still feel sore,” she murmured, repeating the spell once more, just for good measure, before she folded the parts of the astrolabe back into place and let it slip from her grasp and down the side of the bed. “You’ve been a lot rougher, ever since you’ve tested my healing abilities,” she pointed out.

“You have not once asked me to stop.”

A simple yet almost uncomfortably true statement. 

“I have not,” Althea agreed. She had long given up on wondering just why she never even felt the urge to do so.

“You learn faster, fight harder, and improve at a much quicker pace the less I hold myself back,” Zenos muttered at that moment, his fingers digging into her thigh, shifting her slightly closer against him. 

“You’ve also been rougher when we are not in battle,” Thea felt compelled to add as she leaned back to look at him.

“Hm,” Zenos murmured. “One might argue, especially after last night, that we always are.”

Thea let out a huff. “Now you are just being facetious.”

He chuckled lightly, letting up on his harsher grip on her thigh until it felt like he was barely touching her at all.

“I have not once asked you to stop there either,” Thea pointed out. She didn’t have to look up to know he was smiling; she could practically hear it in his voice when he spoke.

“You haven’t,” Zenos agreed simply. A soft laugh left him. “Oh, if the ones you fight so valiantly for could only see you now.”

With an angry growl, she slapped his hand away before facing him with a glare.

“You get some sick sense of pleasure out of reminding me again and again, don’t you?” she hissed, but the slightly amused look on Zenos’ face didn’t falter.

“I am wondering why you feel the need to hide from this in the first place,” he said lightly. “You don’t usually shy away from things that are uncomfortable.”

Thea clenched her teeth. “This is different,” she insisted.

“Why?” Zenos asked plainly. “Because you _care_ about them?”

Thea narrowed her eyes as she continued to glare at him. “Just shut up,” she murmured, unwilling to let her conflicted emotions be yet another form of entertainment to him. But to her surprise, something shifted. The amused smile was gone from Zenos’ face, replaced by a look of outright interest.

“I must admit I am curious,” he said slowly, his hand running up her back until he could tangle it in her hair. “We are so alike, you and I, yet this is a sensation I am wholly unfamiliar with.”

“Truly?” Thea asked, her irritation melting away to make way for her own curiosity. “Wholly unfamiliar?” His answer was a short nod, and she sighed as a spark of yearning went through her. “I envy you then.” She was unprepared for the genuinely questioning expression on his face.

“I was under the impression that caring is universally regarded to be a desirable trait. Especially among the people you surround yourself with.”

It was not really a question, but Thea knew exactly what he was getting at.

“It is,” she agreed, shrugging lightly, “But somehow, I always felt somewhat stifled by it.”

It was almost frightening how easy the words spilled from her lips when she was with him. How little she hesitated to speak her mind about things she would never dare to even think too hard about whenever she was with the Scions. They were her friends, weren’t they? If not by choice, then by memories shared at least. When she looked up into his eyes, she could see Zenos was expecting more from her answer.

“It is like you have so aptly stated, numerous times before, it holds me back,” Thea explained further. “Caring makes me… indecisive. Questioning. Unsure.”

Zenos’ hand curled around the base of her ear, and she almost immediately relaxed against the touch. He had found out early that nothing got her as immediately pliant as this simple, gentle touch. Once more, Thea was thrown off by the profound change of mood and pace between them. Not too long ago, she had been fighting for her life as he had nearly broken her, but there was none of the earlier roughness around them anymore—only soft and gentle touches that were almost too calm to be entirely comfortable.

“Describe the feeling to me,” Zenos murmured, his voice still holding the same curiosity. 

“You want me to explain caring to you?” Thea’s eyebrows went up. “How in the world am I supposed to do that?”

A small chuckle left his lips. “It is unlike you to back down from a challenge.” 

Althea huffed. There were challenges, and then there were nearly absurd-sounding requests. “I imagine it is different for everyone.”

“Describe what it feels like _to you_ then,” Zenos insisted, undeterred by her hesitation, every bit the crown prince that was used to people fulfilling his every request without hesitation. Thea wasn’t sure she could give him a satisfying answer, but with a sigh, she decided to at least try.

“If I care, then… something pulls at me. Drags me in different directions,” she started, carefully picking her words. They seemed insufficient to describe something so abstract. “It doesn’t let me leave, and the more I care, the more it stifles me.” The more she spoke, the easier the words seemed to come to her. “It takes away my freedom to choose, for, in a way, I am beholden to it. It takes something from me I don’t want to give and the people…” Thea swallowed. Something in her felt reluctant to voice this out loud, but after a moment, she pushed the feeling aside. “The people that I care for, they have… power over me, even if they don’t know it. It makes things far too complicated.”

Her words hung in between them with a sense of unexpected gravity, making the air around them thick and heavy, loaded with truths Thea usually tried her best to ignore. To her surprise, Zenos didn’t immediately say anything. Instead, he was looking at her, thoughtfully, his brow furrowed. He shifted slightly, leaning on one arm as his other hand came to rest on her hip, but it didn’t feel like a deliberate touch at all. More like an afterthought, as if he was busy digesting what she had said. 

The pause stretched before he finally asked, “A question then, if I may?”

Althea stifled a scoff. Now he suddenly asked? After spending most of the night ordering her around? But her curiosity was piqued. “Of course, ask ahead.”

“Do you imagine you would prefer the clarity of having absolutely no attachments?”

The question was as loaded as any kind of answer Thea could imagine off the top of her head. Yet part of her felt drawn to a surprisingly simple reply.

“If it could cleanse me of my doubts…” she murmured quietly. She didn’t miss the way his eyebrows raised ever so slightly.

“Doubts like the ones that cause all your guilt about indulging in this?” Zenos asked plainly, and Thea flinched. She should have gotten used to him being so very on the nose and deliberately blunt about stating things he knew caused her discomfort. She knew well enough by now that he never did it thoughtlessly. No. His statements were always neatly designed to get underneath her skin, to cause a reaction. Often one she wasn’t entirely comfortable with. She knew why he did it and what he hoped to gain from it. What bothered her was that it worked perfectly nearly every time, even with her being fully aware of it. 

Another problem was that, no matter how she reacted, he seemed to get something out of it. If she answered him just as bluntly, it tended to cause a satisfied grin on his face. If she refused a direct answer and evaded the topic, he would draw her into a challenge, a contest of will. And no matter how it ended, Thea knew Zenos enjoyed every second of that as well. Tonight, she was all out of energy to go the second route, and with a shrug of her shoulders, she let out a deep sigh.

“Oh, if it were only that…” Thea murmured before she took heart to say the words that were practically burning on her tongue. “I doubt _everything_.” A simple sentence, yet it was an admission so grave she could never have made it to the people who counted on her. “Of course, I doubt what we are doing. I would be foolish not to,” she started to elaborate. “But there is so much more. I doubt what I am doing for the resistance. I doubt fighting for a vague entity I know nothing but hearsay about. I doubt this war and all the killing done in the name of nations I feel nothing for. I doubt my place with the Scions. I doubt if any of their interests are actually in me or just my gifts.” Thea inhaled sharply as she stopped herself from continuing the string of words that had burst from her like water through a breaking dam. “Everyone seems to have fixed ideas of what is wrong and right, and how I should fit into all of that,” she added a bit softer. “They all seem to know my place, yet I am certain about none of it.”

Again, Zenos took his time, not immediately saying anything. His hand was heavy but warm on her hip, feeling almost like a grounding anchor to her. A sensation she could focus on to calm down her mind and her heart alike. 

“You feel your life would be easier, that all this doubt would disappear if you didn’t care?” His voice was still filled with curiosity as he posed this simple question. And this time, Thea didn’t hesitate with her answer. 

“It must be,” she insisted. “It _has_ to!” Thea sounded more forceful than she had intended before she let out a snort as she fixed her eyes on his. “But you tell me,” Thea demanded, as she held his gaze with a challenge in her eyes. “I don’t see you moping around, doubting yourself. You have no attachments towards anything - you are truly and utterly free. Free to follow your every heart’s desire…”

The look in Zenos’ eyes was something Thea couldn't quite read as he let out a soft laugh. “I am indeed,” he said slowly, a note in his voice sounding surprisingly flat. “Tell me then, my conflicted _hero,_ what would you strive for if nothing held you back?”

“I…” Thea immediately started, only to trail off when she realized the words suddenly refused to come as easily anymore. 

“Do you even know?” Zenos asked at that moment, and a spark of defiance went through her. 

“I would finally do whatever I want,” Thea answered sharply. Her answer sounded hollow, even to herself, and it came as no surprise to her that Zenos seemed to think so, too.

“And what is it exactly that you so desperately want?” he asked pointedly. Thea swallowed heavily, her mouth half-open in an attempt to reply, but her voice didn’t feel like cooperating. Nor did her mind, forcing her to realize that she wasn’t just unwilling to give him a better answer, but that she actually had none. It didn’t keep Zenos from prodding further, though.

“I wonder,” he murmured. “Have you ever thought about what you still _could_ want in that case?” His voice held that same peculiar note from earlier in it as he continued. “If nothing is at stake, nothing to stay your hand, nothing to hold you back, and nothing at all to capture any part of you… Tell me, what will give you joy, bliss, satisfaction if you care for naught?”

Thea held her breath at the questions raining down on her. She wasn’t able to answer any of them, and the knowledge alone made her shiver. She didn’t even notice Zenos moving his hand until it suddenly burned hot against her cheek as he cradled her face, insistent enough so she could not avert her gaze. His eyes seemed to search for something. 

“There is a void inside you you long so desperately to fill,” Zenos murmured, a strange shimmer in his eyes. “And you don’t even seem to know it.”

“And you think you do?” Thea shot back in defiance. “You assume much!” 

She wasn’t prepared for his unusually dry and for once completely unamused-sounding laugh.

“I do not assume,” he said calmly. “I see. It is right there, in your eyes.”

“You are arrogant beyond belief,” Thea muttered, a fit of familiar righteous anger simmering in her at the way he sounded so sure of himself. It wasn’t the first time, after all, that he spoke without a care in the world like he knew her better than she knew herself. It never stopped making her furious. Especially, a small part of her reminded herself, because more often than not, he had been spot on in the past. As much as she hated to admit it, he tended to notice things Thea was good at hiding, even from herself.

With a slightly agitated sound, she huffed before she asked in a firmer voice, “How can you be certain?”

“This void, it is a hunger,” Zenos murmured. “Your hunger. You _yearn_ for something. So much that it shapes your entire reason for being.”

Thea almost flinched under the low but insistent tone of his voice and the intensity burning in his eyes, like he could see right through her. 

“You are wrong about me,” she whispered with a desperate note clinging to her words, but he only shook his head once.

“I am not,” Zenos said with absolute certainty. “I know the look in your eyes. Intimately, for I see it in every mirror around me.” Before Thea could do anything but gasp at that, he added, with determination, “You cannot take such a void and fill it with something equally as empty.”

“I’ve tried everything else,” Thea said tonelessly. “It might be the only thing left.”

He seemed utterly calm. So much that Thea nearly missed the slight twitch of his hand against her face before he said slowly, “And if it changes nothing and you find you cannot go back?”

The words hit her like a ton of bricks as something suddenly clicked, and she looked at him with wide eyes.

“You…” Thea breathed out in disbelief. “You _lied_ earlier! When you said, it is wholly unfamiliar to you.” Her voice sounded accusatory. “You know exactly what I’ve been talking about. You’ve cared about something, once upon a time.” There was this barely noticeable twitch again as he just looked at her, otherwise unmoving, and Thea asked softly, “What made you change?”

When Zenos spoke, it was surprisingly quiet. “It is as you stated,” he said softly. “Things, nay, _people_ tend to have power over you. And they take something from you that you don’t want to give.”

Still rattled, Thea shook her head in disbelief. “So you’re telling me it is completely possible,” she murmured. “To stop caring simply to become stronger!”

“Anything is possible if you need it to survive,” Zenos shot back instantly. “But surviving and feeling alive are not the same.” He sounded dismissive, somehow colder than before, but Thea had the distinct impression that she had just gotten a glimpse behind a mask he had not let fall around anyone in a very long time. Maybe never before.

“So what option does this leave us with?” she murmured, still trying to make sense of it all. “If caring makes us weak and vulnerable, and not caring holds nothing but emptiness?” 

It was as if he had only waited for her to ask this, and there was a fire in his eyes as he spoke. “The hunt,” he proclaimed with a low growl in his voice.

“What?” Thea asked in confusion.

“The hunt for something more,” Zenos insisted. “Something to fill up the empty bits of your existence. To find the only worthy thing that sends you on the prowl, keeps your senses sharp and awake and so filled with life, you have no choice but to follow it.” The reverence in his voice went underneath Thea’s skin with its intensity. “And if you don’t find it, you start tearing the world apart until you do.” 

His words stirred something in her, something she could relate to. But there was more. Yet again, the look on Zenos’ face gave her pause. There was a tension running through him, barely noticeable, yet once she became aware of it, she could not ignore it. And then there was the hunger, shining brightly in his eyes. His eyes that were locked onto her like she was the only thing in the world worth seeing.

“You mean...” she started, only to have him interrupt her with a smile on his face.

“The one thing that fills you up with bliss,” he said with an underlying growl, his eyes burning into her as his hand on her cheek drew her close enough so she could feel his breath on her lips. “A worthy challenge, something to sink your teeth in.”

And out of nowhere, Thea remembered what he had said to her on the day he had encouraged her to live. To grow stronger. _‘For the sole pleasure left to me in this empty, ephemeral world…’_

She imagined it was as close to a confession as she could ever get from him, and yet it still shook her deeply to her core, turning the twisted, cold feelings inside her into something warmer. 

“I know you understand precisely what I mean,” Zenos murmured at that moment, his lips brushing lightly over hers. “Tell me you do!”

With her lips slightly parted, Thea nodded without hesitation. “I feel the same,” she confessed, and his smile widening against her lips made her stomach leap in anticipation.

“Good,” Zenos murmured. “Then let the world be right or wrong; we have no reason to care about any of it. Not for as long as there is this.”

He closed the last bit of distance between them, and with a needy sound, Thea opened her mouth under the insistent press of his lips, losing herself in the sweet taste of his tongue. A shiver went through her. Like always, when he was soft with her, she felt a part of her wanting to fight, tearing at her from the inside with conflicted emotions. Part of her still insisted that this was wrong, while another part wanted nothing more than to revel in each sweet, gentle touch.

“Ah,” Zenos murmured, as he drew back with a knowing look. “Your battle with yourself is raging less and less, but it yet remains.”

Thea bit her lip, fighting down the almost instinctive urge to come up with an excuse, but Zenos didn’t seem overly concerned, nor did he look disappointed.

“Do not fret,” he murmured calmly. “A hunter’s foremost virtue is patience.” His hands trailed down her neck again, sending goosebumps all over her skin. “I will have every part of you yet,” he promised with a growl, “but I am in no rush to claim them.”

With his grip turning firmer on her shoulder, he nudged her to turn around until he could draw her back against him, his hand wandering slowly over her skin, alternating soft and gentle caresses with much firmer grasps. 

“Luckily, there are other parts of you I am just as interested in,” Zenos said in an amused tone. “And as you stated so aptly earlier, there are things you never told me to stop.” 

Thea shivered slightly as she let her head rest against his chest. She couldn’t deny that he had a point. “I doubt I would ever want you to stop,” she confessed. “I didn’t even think about it earlier, not even when I was close to dying.”

“You were no closer to dying tonight than you were when you got up this morning,” Zenos said with a small scoff. “You know that full well. Just as I know that you, for all your willingness to throw yourself into danger, didn’t truly want to die.”

He was right about that, too. Not for the first time, Thea wondered just what it was between them that made her so easy to read. That made him, of all people, the person that saw every detail about her when her closest friends still playfully complained that she was a closed book to them.

“You always sound so certain when you say things like that,” she mumbled quietly, and a moment later, his arm around her held her even closer. Zenos’ lips ghosted over her shoulder, leaving a trail of kisses so soft they felt like feathers grazing her skin.

“If I see things in you, then only because you so readily show them to me,” he murmured against her neck. 

“I think I never truly wanted to die,” Thea mused as she allowed herself to lean into his touch. “Not even when everyone around me thought I should strive for it.”

At that, Zenos paused. “Who?” he asked plainly.

A dry laugh escaped Thea at his genuine confusion and she turned her head enough to look at him over her shoulder. “There is no greater glory than to give your life in service of Garlemald,” she quoted the familiar creed of the Imperial army with thinly veiled mockery. Sometimes, he seemed to be either oblivious or straight up forgot that she had been raised into his father’s army from the moment Thea could form her first memories. “You obviously never had the regular army experience the rest of us did,” she added dryly.

“I… have not,” Zenos answered slowly, his brows furrowed for a moment as his thoughts were obviously somewhere else before he focused back on her, curiosity shining in his voice. “Is that why you defected?”

“What?” Thea asked, for a moment genuinely thrown off. “You’ve never looked up all the sordid details about me?” Given how obsessed they had been with each other, she would have assumed he had done his homework as diligently as she had. With more fruitful results even, if only for the fact that he had vastly better resources available.

“Your past never felt of much importance to me,” Zenos replied with a shrug. “It is you as you are now that holds my interest. Not arbitrary things long gone.”

In a way, and under different circumstances, the sentiment would have been almost sweet, Thea thought. “And yet you seem interested enough now…”

She expected him to brush her off, to say something condescending or maybe even downright cruel. Thea had not expected him to look pensive all of a sudden.

“Things… change,” was all Zenos finally said, looking at her expectantly, obviously still waiting for an answer to his earlier question.

With a sigh, Thea shrugged. “Not wanting to die for an Empire I didn’t really care about was certainly one reason,” she agreed. “But the actual thing that drove me to leave was that I was left to rot in one of your Imperial jail cells for a minor misconduct of no actual consequence. It made me realize that no one actually cared if I was around or if I died, so I thought I might as well try my luck elsewhere.”

“A minor misconduct?” Zenos asked, his eyebrows rising, and a dry chuckle welled up in her as she smiled at him. 

“You are going to enjoy this, I’m sure. I got thrown in there for getting caught in an affair with a superior officer. She got off scot-free, and I took the fall.” With another sigh, Thea added, “I guess I can’t blame anyone who accuses me of making bad life choices.”

Zenos laughed outright at her explanation, a hint of amusement still in his eyes as he agreed, “You are right; the irony is indeed enjoyable.” His face adopted a more somber look all of a sudden. “Was it truly a bad choice, though?”

A question that Thea had asked herself over and over again during the past few years. With no satisfying answer yet. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “It certainly felt right at the time.” She narrowed her eyes at him as she realized what he was truly getting at. “Yes, just like this right now feels right,” she added with a slightly annoyed huff.

“Maybe it’s not you who is wrong, but the world around you who tells you so,” Zenos said far too lightly for a statement of such gravity. 

“Of course you’d think about it like that,” Thea mumbled before she shook her head. “Right or wrong aside, that was the main reason I left,” she concluded. “Though the whole ‘dying for a cause I don’t really believe in’ certainly amplified it. Interestingly enough, that doesn’t keep my friends from regularly accusing me of being suicidal.” She looked around the half-dark bedroom for a moment. “They would do so even more if they knew…” The uncomfortable pang of guilt in her stomach was right there, familiar and reliable as always.

“They are fools for thinking so,” Zenos said plainly. “People who truly want to die are nothing like you at all.”

Thea let out an amused scoff at his straightforward claim. “You would know, wouldn’t you?” she asked. “I guess you have met some then?”

“More than I’d like,” Zenos replied, sounding almost a bit offended at the fact. “People who _want_ to die are malleable. Full of calm acceptance. You bend them, and they stay that way, and when you break them, they are just… resigned.” 

Thea listened to the clearly unsatisfied cadence in his voice with fascination. She was long used to how casually he spoke about life and death, but right now, his words held a level of personal disappointment that caught her interest.

“There is no challenge in fighting someone who wants you to win,” Thea mused.

Zenos hummed in affirmation. “Someone who wants to die by your hand does not see you as a worthy opponent; for them, you are nothing but an extension of their own blade. One they are too much of a coward to fall on by themselves.”

He sounded surprisingly harsh for a moment before she felt him relax against her again. 

“You, on the other hand, are nothing like that,” Zenos murmured as he leaned back enough so he could run his fingers down her spine. “People who want to die resign, but you reveled in every second of our fights. Even if you claimed you wanted me to end it, your body betrayed the lie in your words.” His hand went up into her hair, pulling her head back with a slight tug until he could whisper in her ear, “People who want to die are lifeless; they do not get off on the threat of death like you did.” A mixture of heat and embarrassment went through her at his words. “There is no need to shy away from that,” Zenos added simply, ignoring her slight flinch. “The way you quivered with need while struggling with all your might was certainly stimulating.” With a dark chuckle, he let go of her hair, his hand trailing down her body until his fingers circled over the faint scar on her stomach. The one he had given her on the battlefield not too long ago. “I take it you still enjoy your gift?”

Still tense, Thea’s eyes went over to where her sword leaned discarded against a piece of furniture, far out of reach. “It is a gorgeous weapon,” she admitted, her voice slightly shaky. “I have never owned anything quite so spectacular.” 

Zenos let out a hum beside her, but while it sounded undoubtedly pleased, there was something more to it. It was when she noticed his fingers were gently caressing the soft skin around her scar that Thea realized that there was another layer to his question. 

“You are not just talking about the weapon,” she said slowly. “You want to know how I feel about the way you gave it to me…”

“I know you enjoyed it,” Zenos murmured knowingly into her ear before he reached to clasp her cheek in his hand. His touch was surprisingly gentle, only the barest hint of a nudge, but Thea followed regardless, shifting even more until he had drawn her close enough so he could brush his lips over hers in the barest hint of a kiss. “I could see it in your eyes,” he added slowly. “Feel it in the urgency of your kiss. But I’d rather have you tell me all about it yourself.”

The complete certainty in his voice made something in her stomach twist. “You stabbed me,” Thea replied sharply. Anger welled up in her at his audacity, and it was much more soothing to hold on to that than the uncomfortable feeling of being seen through so easily. 

“Save your fake outrage for your friends.” He sounded uncompromising, almost a little annoyed at her blatant denial and his hand around her chin tightened, drawing her closer. “Did I not ask you for permission?” Zenos rumbled, his eyes searching her face for something. “Which you readily granted, if I might remind you!”

Thea swallowed heavily. She didn’t need to be reminded at all; the memory was clear on her mind. Their first night together. She, pliant in his arms, as he held a knife to her, asking about how potent her healing magic was. _‘Another time,’_ they had basically agreed back then, and Thea remembered the shiver of excitement that had run through her at his threat only all too well. Still, she was reluctant to say anything even remotely like that out loud.

But from Zenos’ look, she didn’t need to. He had the uncanny ability to read her better than anyone else she knew. A skill that was annoying at best and downright terrifying in other situations. Situations like these, where Althea felt the need to hide herself away from his piercing eyes and the knowing look lying in them.

“There is no reason to lie to me, my precious beast,” he said with a calm smile on his face, ignoring her irritated flinch at his very own term of endearment of her. A word he kept using, no matter how much she protested, knowing full well he got under her skin a little bit each time. “You love nothing more than hovering on the brink of death, feeling the inevitable end ever creeping closer, only to defy it at the last possible second.” Zenos talked slowly, deliberately, while keeping his eyes fixed on hers as he refused to let go of her. “Tell me,” he nudged, dragging his thumb over her lower lip, his smile widening at her short gasp. “And be honest, what did you feel when I left you there, bleeding out on the battlefield?”

Thea’s stomach turned as everything in her wanted to defy him. Wanted to show him he was wrong about her. That his assumptions were nothing but guesses in the dark. But she was just as bad at lying to herself as she was at lying to him, it seemed, and under his compelling gaze, something in her broke apart, tearing itself open for him and all the world to see.

“I…” she started, and her voice was barely above a whisper, “I was elated. Excited. And overwhelmed by joy.” Zenos’ smile turned wider, looking incredibly pleased with her hushed confession.

“Go on,” he said softly, “Tell me all about it.”

There was a hunger in his eyes that made something in her twisted stomach flutter with need as Thea swallowed. “When they found me, they all thought I was in shock,” she continued, her eyes captivated by the pure delight on his face. “I think it was because I was laughing. Can you imagine? I was spitting up blood and was almost unconscious, but I just couldn’t stop laughing…” The memory felt nearly surreal, just as the shocked faces of her friends had felt back then. They had looked at her full of concern, not grasping the sheer euphoria that had run through her with every beat of her own, continuously slowing heart. But _he_ understood, Thea knew. She could see it in the way he looked at her, his lips slightly parted in anticipation, his eyes shimmering with joyous need. “I wasn’t in shock,” she said, her voice much firmer than before. “My mind was clear. Clearer than ever before.” 

“There is nothing quite like it, isn’t there?” Zenos murmured, and Thea found herself nodding along with his words. “Nothing quite like the feeling of pushing yourself to the furthest limits and succeeding. The feeling of defying death at a hairsbreadth.”

Althea felt like she was drowning in an ocean of her laid-bare secrets. But she didn’t have to worry. By his soothing voice telling her how he felt the same, she was saved. Like a lifeline, she clung to his words. 

When she looked into his eyes, she briefly thought she could see a shimmer of red flickering through them, but it was gone immediately, leaving behind only the hunger. The madness. Everything about this was insane. And yet, she couldn’t help but think that if he was indeed truly mad, she was right there with him. 

“It makes me feel like I am invincible,” Thea admitted in a quiet voice. “It is strange. This feeling of almost dying, and yet it makes me feel more alive than almost everything else…”

“It is the rush of blood coursing through your veins, drowning out all that which doesn’t truly matter,” Zenos spoke softly as his free hand roamed over her stomach again before moving up to gently tease her breasts. “The time between the seconds, the almost incomprehensible moment at that border where all meets nothing. That splendorous, marvelous instance, where everything is possible at once and when it’s over…” Zenos let out a deep sigh, his fingers digging into her skin for a moment as he looked at her with eyes burning full of a need she could feel resonating bone-deep within her. “When you’ve triumphed, nearly succumbed to death’s welcoming kiss but still survived against all odds, you come out of it, having gazed upon a glimpse of eternity.”

Breathless, Althea looked at him, unsure just how to even begin to fathom the emotions that ran through her. Never before had someone taken her innermost thoughts and all those things she couldn’t even try to find words for and had laid them out so neatly in front of her. She tried to turn back around, to look at him more properly, but the moment she moved, his arm around her drew her closer with her back against his chest. His hand had moved up, and he let his fingers trail over her collarbone.

“You know,” Zenos said lightly, as he drew a nonsensical pattern onto her skin, “All this talk sets a certain mood.”

Something in his voice gave her pause, and Thea tensed slightly as she tried to gauge what exactly it was.

“A certain mood?” she asked carefully.

But despite his tone, Zenos was still utterly calm against her. 

“Hm,” he hummed. “A very specific one.”

His hand on her face moved back into her hair, grazing that spot at the base of her ear again. A shudder went through Thea as she inadvertently relaxed into his hold, unable to escape the soothing, slightly tingling sensation the touch caused her every time.

“Look at that,” he murmured, “All this time in my arms, you’ve been pliant, relaxed even. It would seem you don’t mind a more gentle touch at all, as long as I sufficiently distract you.”

“Is that what you’ve been doing?” Thea asked, sighing deeply as his hand sent another shiver through her. “And here I thought we were having a heart-to-heart.”

“Mhm,” Zenos hummed, “Then maybe the touches are the distraction from that, who knows.” His hand traveled along her sides, brushing her over hips, and nearly dipped in between her legs for a moment before he went back up to her stomach. 

Now that he had pointed out just how relaxed she had been under his soft touches, Thea’s throat felt a bit dry, and all of a sudden, she wished he hadn’t drawn her attention to this. The muscles in her stomach clenched slightly, and her shoulders tensed under his hand. It did not escape his notice.

“More distractions then, I think.” Zenos’ voice was low and slightly rough against her ear as he spoke quietly, “Did you ever think about how similar dying and killing actually are when broken down to the gist of it?” 

Althea had been about to scoff. As if he could simply take her mind off their situation again after having announced it so clearly. But as his words sunk in, her brow furrowed and part of her was too intrigued to not try and follow his train of thought. “Excuse me?”

Another low hum was her answer before he added, “They are a lot alike. This brief moment where everything hangs in the balance, where you have the power over life and death in between your fingertips… The euphoria can be almost the same.”

As horrific as his words sounded, Thea couldn’t deny that there was something to them. Couldn’t pretend that she had never felt powerful by putting an enemy down. And yet… 

“To a degree, perhaps,” she agreed slowly. “But they are not the same.”

“Which one do you prefer, then?” Zenos asked, his voice full of curiosity. 

The answer was obvious to her, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to say it plainly. The truth felt far too much like something forbidden, something treacherous to her. But Zenos was patiently waiting for an answer, and Thea knew she had to give him one. One that wasn’t a lie.

“I prefer to push _myself_ to the limit over pushing others,” she said, taking great care with her words. In the end, it wasn’t even all that different from simply stating she preferred the feeling of nearly dying over striking a killing blow, but it still sounded at least somewhat better to her ears.

“I see,” Zenos murmured, once again letting his fingers run along the base of her ear, causing her nearly to purr in satisfaction. “I can always oblige, you know?”

There it was again, the _‘something’_ she had heard in his tone earlier, that sent a signal of alarm through her body. A body that felt slow and sluggish, unwilling to move under the pleasant caress on her head.

“What are you…” Thea started, confused, but her words were stopped by a single finger pushing over her lips for the briefest of moments.

“Let’s say I am feeling very generous tonight,” Zenos rumbled, and before Thea had a chance to understand his meaning, his hand moved up from her collarbone and closed deftly around her throat.

Her whole body went tense as he pressed down immediately, and Thea scrambled, her arms flying up to pry his hand away, but lying down, exhausted as she was and with no leverage, she had little success.

“Zenos…” she wheezed out before her throat closed up under his tightening grip.

“Shhh,” he whispered, running his other hand through her hair in a soothing pattern. “Don’t overexert yourself.” He sounded almost comforting, and under different circumstances, Thea might have laughed at how much he genuinely sounded like he worried about her health. In her efforts to escape his grasp, she twisted her body back and forth, but he didn’t budge. Instead, his hand left her hair to grab her hip instead, pulling her firmly against him.

“I know you are exhausted,” he murmured against her ear as she felt his hard length pressing against her ass. “But please, make this as exciting for the both of us as you can.”

Thea felt a familiar sense of panic well up that was always especially pronounced when she couldn’t breathe, and it took her a few seconds until she forced herself to stop struggling. It would not do to waste energy on a useless endeavor. She understood all too well that he had her in a position where she could do nothing against his hold.

“Ah, much better,” came Zenos’ voice almost immediately after she tried to calm herself. “Don’t fight this,” he muttered. “Don’t fight what you truly want. To the brink of death, that’s where you enjoy being, isn’t that so?” He didn’t give her a chance to answer, but Thea could feel the short syllable hovering inside, trapped in her throat, denied by his hand cutting off her airway. 

_Yes._

Thea was certain she didn’t have to tell him. He already knew.

“I can take you there,” Zenos said at that moment, his voice a whisper full of promise. “I can even keep you there for a while. Give you as much as you can possibly take to fill up that void with nothing but bliss.” Thea’s fingers began to tingle from the lack of breath as she clawed them weakly into his arm, but he seemed unbothered as he added, “The question is, would you want me to?”

His hand let up slightly, not quite letting her breathe freely, but enough so Thea could slightly move her head. For a second, she was thrown off by the fact that he was actually asking, but then she remembered earlier that night. How even in the most extreme situation, he hadn’t failed to give her an out. She found herself nodding only an instant later. 

To her surprise, his grip did not tighten again. Instead, he loosened his hold further until she could draw in a desperate breath. Air rushed into her lungs with a force that almost hurt. 

“I’m afraid a mere nod isn’t quite good enough here,” Zenos said softly. “If you want what only I can give you, you are going to ask me for it.”

Thea coughed, and her voice was raspy as she managed to speak. “You want me to beg you to choke the life out of me?” she managed to get the incredulous question past her lips.

“There will be no begging necessary,” Zenos said with a disapproving click of his tongue. “But I reject this simplification. You are going to dig a little deeper and tell me what exactly you want.”

For a second, Thea deliberated actually telling him to stop. Not because she genuinely wanted to, but just from a desire to know for certain if he actually would. He had not taken anything from her she hadn’t willingly given so far. Nor had he done anything she was truly opposed to. But a little bit of uncertainty always remained. The smallest sliver of doubt whether he would be true to his word if pushed. 

Then again, the thought of not knowing for sure sent a treacherous spark of excitement through her. One Thea wasn’t sure she wanted to extinguish. Her heart beat furiously as she realized she honestly didn’t want to know. That she preferred the uncertainty. The _‘what if_.’ 

With her voice shaking from anticipation, she got out between rapid breaths, “I want you to take me to the very edge of what’s possible.” Her tongue flickered out, wetting her dry lips as Thea tried to put her desires into words. “I want you to push me to my absolute limit, and then see if you can go even further,” she whispered. “I want you to break me just enough so I can _feel_.” 

Zenos’ fingers slightly twitched around her throat. “Oh, my dear and precious beast,” he said with a satisfied growl. “Haven’t I told you before? You and I, we are exactly the same!” A second later, his grip tightened and cut off her air again. 

Thea felt the heat pool in her stomach as she gasped helplessly in his hold. The sheets rustled around them as his free hand roamed over her body, each careful, gentle touch amplified by the tension that held her firmly in its grip. In contrast to the featherlight caresses, her throat hurt under his harsh grasp. It had Thea wincing in pain as she tried to swallow and found herself unable to. The edges of her vision started to darken, and the familiar, half-numb, half-tingling feeling in her fingers crept through her. Her body shook slightly, fighting back on instinct, no matter how much she wanted this, and just when Thea felt her mind starting to drift away, she felt him loosen his hand once more.

“Stay with me,” Zenos whispered next to her ear. “We don’t want this to be over right away, do we?” He squeezed her throat once. “Breathe,” he ordered, “Once, and not more.”

With effort, Thea managed to follow, dragging the air into her lungs with a wheezing sound before she felt her airways being pressed shut again. She still had her hands wrapped around his arm, but they were utterly lax now. 

Zenos shifted slightly, nudging her head and drawing her attention to the large windows of the balcony. The black of the night behind the glass made Thea see both of them clearly in their reflection, and her eyes widened in shock at the sight. Her helplessly parted lips, her naked body nearly shaking against his, and his unrelenting hold on her that had her tremble with need. 

“Just look,” Zenos murmured at that moment. “See how beautifully your body tenses, fighting with every fiber of your being through exhaustion. See how it doesn’t give up. How it wants to rage.”

Thea couldn’t stop staring, even as the corners of her vision started to swim again. The burning feeling in her chest grew as her muscles softened. As before, just when she was about to pass out, he let up. 

“One more breath,” he murmured, and Thea gasped helplessly, a feeling of slight euphoria filling her just as fresh air filled her lungs. The relief was, once again, over in seconds, and as she started to shake again, she felt his hand drift in between her legs.

Zenos went straight for her center, pushing through and parting her folds under his insistent fingers. “How wet you are simply through this,” he murmured against her ear, and over the rush of her own blood, she could hear the sounds of her own desire as he pushed two fingers inside her. “As much as you need this,” he said with a squeeze around her throat, “you desperately want even more.”

Slowly, he pulled his fingers out, dragging them languidly over her clit, coating it with her own wetness before he teased it lightly. “You flinch under each gentle touch, but look at how ready you are to accept them now.” His low voice made the hairs in the back of her neck stand up as a shudder of desire went through her, and Thea would have whimpered if she had been able to make a single sound. As if to grant her just that, Zenos loosened his hand once more. 

“Breathe again, only once,” he ordered firmly, and Thea let out a soft wail as she complied. As if to reward her, his fingers circled her clit again as he took away her breath once more. “Good, you are doing so good,” Zenos said with a low growl, and Thea nearly melted under the appreciation in his voice before he nudged her slightly and asked, “Can you still lift your leg?” 

With all that was left of her willpower, she tried, lifting the leg he pushed against. It was nearly impossible, but a second later, his hand wrapped firmly around her thigh, spreading her open all the way until she could rest it on his hips. 

“Look at that,” Zenos whispered, and Thea’s eyes were stuck on watching their reflection as he lined his cock up with her entrance before he slowly pushed inside. “Look at all you can take. The pleasure, the pain.” His voice rumbled through her shivering body as he started to move. “Stay with me,” he muttered as he let her breathe again for a second. “Yes, just like that, let me reward you for your efforts.”

His fingers found her clit again, sending hot sparks of pleasure through her body in tune with each slow thrust. “You can walk the tightrope towards defying death and embracing all you deny yourself,” Zenos whispered into her ear as the tension in Thea’s body reached new heights she had never felt before. “Just look at all that you’re capable of with your indomitable spirit.”

Spots of light flickered in front of her eyes as his hand around her throat pressed down harder. Just as Thea thought she had reached her peak, feeling like she was about to drift into unconsciousness from the mere force of it, something happened. He slipped out of her, turning her around and pushing her back into the mattress, only to enter her once more in a deep stroke. 

Zenos’ fingers were instantly back on her to touch her just right, and her whole body went taut. A wave of pleasure swept through her as he filled all her senses with nothing but him. Her lips parted in an unsuccessful attempt to scream, and her eyes were locked onto the utterly serene smile on his face as he kept pushing, fucking her through the sensation of falling apart. Darkness crept up on her once more, and she fell towards its promise of sweet bliss.

Through the haze, she heard his voice. “Let me show you how I don’t need to break you to make you feel,” Zenos murmured, his lips brushing over hers before he suddenly let go of her throat, and air rushed back into her lungs with a force that burned through her chest.

Thea gasped, spluttered, and moaned against his mouth as pleasure exploded through her body. Lightheaded and feeling almost boneless, she could do nothing but lose herself in the ecstatic rush of euphoria sweeping her away. She was only dimly aware that he joined her in her pleasure a moment later, groaning deeply into her mouth as he refused to let up on kissing her.

She had no idea how long they stayed like this—wrapped around each other, utterly lost in the movements of their lips against each other. At some point, Thea’s breathing had started to even out again, and she had burrowed her hands into his long hair. Zenos' body covered her own, his weight on her pleasantly soothing as he kept running gentle caresses up and down her arms. 

After what felt like an eternity of pure, calm, bliss, Zenos moved back ever so slightly, his lips still hovering close to hers as he asked, “How do you feel?”

“Like I almost died,” Thea answered with a soft smile on her face. “Content,” she added a second later.

It sounded almost underwhelming. Like the word was not nearly enough to describe the complete calm and peace surrounding her. But from the satisfied look in his eyes, Thea suspected he knew exactly what she tried to say, regardless.

A moment later, she felt something else. Zenos shifted slightly, dragging his renewed hardness against her still sensitive center, and Thea let out a small moan at the intense feeling.

Above her, his eyes shone with anticipation. “You didn’t think I was done with you yet?” Zenos said with a smile that made her stomach flutter once more.

“I get the feeling you are never going to be done with me,” Thea replied, her fingers tightening in his hair, pulling him closer to kiss him again.

“One can only hope,” Zenos murmured against her lips. “For both our sakes.”

**Author's Note:**

> [Come talk to me over on tumblr ^^](https://kunstpause.tumblr.com)


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